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IF DEMOCRATS HAD ANY BRAINS, THEY’D BE REPUBLICANS
EFFIE TEN EYCK VAN VARICK
Introduction: Liberals and the Woman Who Hates Them 1
Airport Security: Make Imams Take Buses 33
Baby-Killing: Abort Liberals, Not Children 38
Blacks: The Only Thing Standing Between the Democrat Party and Oblivion 42
George W. Bush: The Guy I’d Most Like to Have a Nonalcoholic Beer With 48
Christians: Must Reproduce More 51
Bill Clinton: He Left a Mark on History That May Never Come Out 56
Hillary Clinton: The Smartest Woman in the World! 63
Colleges: The English Translation of “Madrassa” 66
Communism: A New Fragrance by Hillary Clinton 71
Ann Coulter: My Quotes About Me! 75
Crime and Punishment: Preferably a Two-Step Process 84
Dear Ann: Free Advice Worth Every Penny 87
Democrat Ideas (See Also: Marx, Lenin) 90
Democrats’ Virtues: Points of Light in a Sea of Darkness 95
Elections: It Only Encourages Them 97
Environmentalism: Adolf Hitler Was the First Environmentalist 102
Evolution, Alchemy, and Other “Settled” Scientific Theories 106
Foreigners, or the “Non-Soap-Oriented” 109
Gays: No Gay Left Behind! 112
Girls: Chicks Hate It When You Call Them “Girls” 117
Guantanamo: Room Service, I’d Like Seventy-two Virgins, Please 120
Guns: The Constitutional Right You Can Carry in Your Purse 123
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