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CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
Featuring Hello and Other Thoughts
HOW TO READ THIS BOOK
MY AMERICAN CHILDHOOD
CHAPTER ONE
THE FAMILY
So Help Me God, I Will Turn This Book Around Right Here
CHAPTER TWO
OLD PEOPLE
Your Glasses Are on Top of Your Head
CHAPTER THREE
ANIMALS
Marking
My
Territory
CHAPTER FOUR
RELIGION
Accepting Jesus As My Personal Editor
MY AMERICAN ADOLESCENCE
CHAPTER FIVE
SPORTS
When It’s Okay to Shower With Men
CHAPTER SIX
SEX & DATING
1001 Abstinence Positions
CHAPTER SEVEN
HOMOSEXUALS
Do Not Read By Glowstick Light
CHAPTER EIGHT
HIGHER EDUCATION
Smarties Pantsed
CHAPTER NINE
HOLLYWOOD
Lights! Camera! Treason!
MY AMERICAN MATURITY
CHAPTER TEN
THE MEDIA
Stop the Presses! Forever!
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CLASS WAR
Let Them
Buy
Cake for a Change
CHAPTER TWELVE
RACE
Fact or Fiction?
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
IMMIGRANTS
No Way, Jose
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
SCIENCE
Thanks for the Nukes, Now Go Away
A NOTE TO THE FUTURE
Instructions on How to Defrost My Head
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
HOW TO RETIRE THIS BOOK
APPENDIX
The White House Correspondents’ Dinner
INDEX
INTRODUCTION
Featuring Hello and Other Thoughts
INTRODUCTION
Featuring Hello and Other Thoughts
INTRODUCTION
Featuring Hello and Other Thoughts
HOW TO READ THIS BOOK
HOW TO READ THIS BOOK
HOW TO READ THIS BOOK
MY AMERICAN CHILDHOOD
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